The complex question of existence.

My grandmother had a comment the other day, as Chelsea and I drove up to visit with her, that caught me completely off guard. “Do you ever have that feeling – it comes and goes – when you start to wonder if you truly exist in this moment?” She then followed up the statement by paying me an incredible compliment, stating that by listening to my recording that I sent her of me playing the piano that she felt reminded that she most certainly exists – and in the best way possible.

On one hand, it scared the crap out of me. I never want my Nana to feel like that, and I want to do everything in my power to make her feel loved, appreciated, empowered – anything to help her feel like she does exist in this present moment (rather than the past that we enjoy reflecting on). In undergrad, most of us go through the core course that has us reflect on “I think, therefore I am” (Descartes) – but we often don’t take the time to truly ponder philosophical battles internally as the years go by faster and faster.

On the other hand, she was able to put into different words what some of us with mental health battles can often not describe to our therapists and doctors. There are indeed times in our lives when – even for a mere few minutes in the afternoon – there is some imbalance (call it chemical, emotional, spiritual) when we feel like we are simply observing life happening all around us, rather than being active participants. This may not actually be a lack of “existence” per se, but with word association you can quickly reach a more precise definition of the feeling – that sometimes, we feel like we don’t matter, that what we do with our day may not impact others at all. Thankfully, there are many opportunities to course correct ourselves into understanding the vast opportunities we have at our disposal on a daily basis… but it doesn’t negate the fact that the feeling will persist.

It would seem that the older generations have struggled with this pandemic and the mental struggles that result in a completely different way than most, in part because they have been so accustomed to frequent interactions with their children / grandkids / extended family that have either been in new formats (i.e. Zoom/video) or simply nonexistent if they struggle to figure out how to utilize the technology we “youngins” rely on so easily to get us through periods of quarantine and/or isolation. Since our society continues to move away from old school letters in the mail and other traditional ways of reminding our older family members how much we love them… it is up to us to step up and find new ways to incorporate their presence / existence into our daily lives.

I guess the point of this rambling today is… check in with all of your loved ones, family and those who feel like family. Remind them in creative ways that you appreciate them – for me, it was discovering that a simple YouTube link with some of my favorite songs I have learned over the years would put the biggest smile on her face.

The link to one of those is below.